and simply put, it's sore
my obsession with external approval is increasingly destructive
and sometimes go away does not mean try harder
it just means go away
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
when there's a trap
set up for you
in every corner of this town
and so you learn
the only way to go is underground
when there's a tra
set up for you
in every corner of your room
and so you learn
the only way to go is through the roof
ooooooohoohoh through the roof... underground...
in every corner of this town
and so you learn
the only way to go is underground
when there's a tra
set up for you
in every corner of your room
and so you learn
the only way to go is through the roof
ooooooohoohoh through the roof... underground...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
now that i know
it seems like i never write posts when they most need to be written
because i used to write when my mind was full. and i would create these over-emotional incoherent posts and while they achieved the venting that was necessary, i didn't like to spill out that way. so now i'm trying to spill out to people. but then i just write nothing at all.
i'm relieved.
i still have shit going on, and i hate that i'm unable to feel a burden lifted until everything is gone. but i feel better. it feels good.
but i'm confused about this situation. though i have to say, for the record, that despite my confusion, i interpreted the situation perfectly. he did want to, but didn't because he was scared i wouldn't reciprocate. which i knew, and which is another reason why i was an idiot. though he DID tell her that he didn't think i would do that, which means that he was thinking about it, which means that my logic was flawless in assuming that what i wanted wasn't enough. or at least that what i wanted didn't fully align with what he wanted. but regardless, i was a total bitch. and i need to get off my high pedestal and learn how to be a decent person. badly. but basically, i'm just confused because... well, i think i was right in my logic. i know what was on his mind and it wasn't what was on mine. i mean it kind of was, but it wasn't to that extent. and it scared me to go down a road that led to a destination at which i didn't want to arrive. on the other hand, market was right. when he was confused about his situation, he went for it to figure it out. i'm so cautious and so careful, and maybe i should have just stopped thinking so much and saw what happened, and went with the flow. because how do i expect to figure everything out without ever experiencing anything? on the other hand, maybe it's the thought processes that are keeping me out of trouble. (or maybe i should just let myself get into a little trouble more often?) erff.
the fact that all 3 of them came to tell me that was unbelievable. i wish i could make this situation right. but i don't know how. but thank you so much. really. you're kind of amazing.
because i used to write when my mind was full. and i would create these over-emotional incoherent posts and while they achieved the venting that was necessary, i didn't like to spill out that way. so now i'm trying to spill out to people. but then i just write nothing at all.
i'm relieved.
i still have shit going on, and i hate that i'm unable to feel a burden lifted until everything is gone. but i feel better. it feels good.
but i'm confused about this situation. though i have to say, for the record, that despite my confusion, i interpreted the situation perfectly. he did want to, but didn't because he was scared i wouldn't reciprocate. which i knew, and which is another reason why i was an idiot. though he DID tell her that he didn't think i would do that, which means that he was thinking about it, which means that my logic was flawless in assuming that what i wanted wasn't enough. or at least that what i wanted didn't fully align with what he wanted. but regardless, i was a total bitch. and i need to get off my high pedestal and learn how to be a decent person. badly. but basically, i'm just confused because... well, i think i was right in my logic. i know what was on his mind and it wasn't what was on mine. i mean it kind of was, but it wasn't to that extent. and it scared me to go down a road that led to a destination at which i didn't want to arrive. on the other hand, market was right. when he was confused about his situation, he went for it to figure it out. i'm so cautious and so careful, and maybe i should have just stopped thinking so much and saw what happened, and went with the flow. because how do i expect to figure everything out without ever experiencing anything? on the other hand, maybe it's the thought processes that are keeping me out of trouble. (or maybe i should just let myself get into a little trouble more often?) erff.
the fact that all 3 of them came to tell me that was unbelievable. i wish i could make this situation right. but i don't know how. but thank you so much. really. you're kind of amazing.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
i'm looking for a pill
something to ease my will
it's kind of like the way i would have been with snap.
i wouldn't give a fuck about the prize.
or the competition.
but just because it was so important to everyone else,
it would become important to me.
edit:
no sorry. it's nothing like that. it's more like a raffle where you're dying to win the prize, but the guy that didn't want it wins instead. but then once he gets the prize, he loves it too. and you're just pissed.
you were above it and you were below it and you were floating somewhere around it.
but no longer.
it's kind of like the way i would have been with snap.
i wouldn't give a fuck about the prize.
or the competition.
but just because it was so important to everyone else,
it would become important to me.
edit:
no sorry. it's nothing like that. it's more like a raffle where you're dying to win the prize, but the guy that didn't want it wins instead. but then once he gets the prize, he loves it too. and you're just pissed.
you were above it and you were below it and you were floating somewhere around it.
but no longer.
fast as you can
i saw it begin to rain today.
i was sitting in my car, windows open, listening to the end of the song. it was quiet out. perfect.
the song ended, i packed up my stuff.
i opened the door; the wind picked up and tried to blow it closed.
i stepped out of the car, and then i heard the thunder. faintly.
the drops started falling.
i left my cell and wallet in the backseat and stood there.
i watched it start falling.
i watched it hit the trees, hit my car, hit me.
and in less than a minute, it was pouring.
i picked up my stuff and ran in.
it sounds cliche.
but it was amazing.
---
it made me want to cry. i don't know why. i was intimidated. i know you're on this whole different level, and it's entirely incomparable. but i still felt ashamed. i want to stand up there for my little ditty feeling playful and proud, and happy. but i use everything, and everyone, as an excuse to feel inferior. though all the other things? they aren't helping.
---
am i turned off by you? or have you intentionally turned yourself off to everyone?
---
welcome to c-town. population: 1.
i was sitting in my car, windows open, listening to the end of the song. it was quiet out. perfect.
the song ended, i packed up my stuff.
i opened the door; the wind picked up and tried to blow it closed.
i stepped out of the car, and then i heard the thunder. faintly.
the drops started falling.
i left my cell and wallet in the backseat and stood there.
i watched it start falling.
i watched it hit the trees, hit my car, hit me.
and in less than a minute, it was pouring.
i picked up my stuff and ran in.
it sounds cliche.
but it was amazing.
---
it made me want to cry. i don't know why. i was intimidated. i know you're on this whole different level, and it's entirely incomparable. but i still felt ashamed. i want to stand up there for my little ditty feeling playful and proud, and happy. but i use everything, and everyone, as an excuse to feel inferior. though all the other things? they aren't helping.
---
am i turned off by you? or have you intentionally turned yourself off to everyone?
---
welcome to c-town. population: 1.
Friday, May 30, 2008
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