now that i know

it seems like i never write posts when they most need to be written

because i used to write when my mind was full. and i would create these over-emotional incoherent posts and while they achieved the venting that was necessary, i didn't like to spill out that way. so now i'm trying to spill out to people. but then i just write nothing at all.


i'm relieved.
i still have shit going on, and i hate that i'm unable to feel a burden lifted until everything is gone. but i feel better. it feels good.


but i'm confused about this situation. though i have to say, for the record, that despite my confusion, i interpreted the situation perfectly. he did want to, but didn't because he was scared i wouldn't reciprocate. which i knew, and which is another reason why i was an idiot. though he DID tell her that he didn't think i would do that, which means that he was thinking about it, which means that my logic was flawless in assuming that what i wanted wasn't enough. or at least that what i wanted didn't fully align with what he wanted. but regardless, i was a total bitch. and i need to get off my high pedestal and learn how to be a decent person. badly. but basically, i'm just confused because... well, i think i was right in my logic. i know what was on his mind and it wasn't what was on mine. i mean it kind of was, but it wasn't to that extent. and it scared me to go down a road that led to a destination at which i didn't want to arrive. on the other hand, market was right. when he was confused about his situation, he went for it to figure it out. i'm so cautious and so careful, and maybe i should have just stopped thinking so much and saw what happened, and went with the flow. because how do i expect to figure everything out without ever experiencing anything? on the other hand, maybe it's the thought processes that are keeping me out of trouble. (or maybe i should just let myself get into a little trouble more often?) erff.


the fact that all 3 of them came to tell me that was unbelievable. i wish i could make this situation right. but i don't know how. but thank you so much. really. you're kind of amazing.